new raspberry; �HATES technological I am sick to death of erectile dysfunction, pass the tampons please |
Silence is Golden Silence is Golden Well, in some cases silence is golden. Unless you are using silence as a weapon. We've just completed a new record in the category of the silent treatment. All of September, all of October, and three quarters of November. Wow. Talk about a dog that won't let go of a bone! This time was a little different though. This time I used every tool given me by God, alcoholics anonymous, and a really, really good therapist. Silence is no longer a weapon to be used against me. I have removed the power of this weapon. Entirely and forever. It wasn't easy. It involved a lot of tongue biting. It involved endless recitations of the Serenity Prayer. It involved therapy. It involved my really, really good friends who got to listen to all the things I should have been able to say to my partner. My partner who is wacko. Off the deep end. Missing a screw or two. But she doesn't want to hear these things. Any time something passes my lips that she does not want to hear, I get the silent treatment. How I removed the power of this weapon was to simply stop letting it have an outward impact on me. If I needed to impart information I either stated it to her face or left her a note. If I needed to receive information I either asked to her face or left her a note. I did not creep mutely about the house trying to be so small that she would not notice my existence. I went out with my friends. I enjoyed (still do) my job. I hosted a dinner party and invited my new boss. And I think the fact that I did not let her silence have its intended impact is the reason it went on for so, so long. But that's not my problem and I refuse to let her make it my problem anymore. I say outward impact because inside it had great impact. Inner turmoil. How could the person that I've sacrificed so much for treat me this way? Why do my opinions/feelings/desires always take second place to hers? Why have I allowed this relationship to cast me in the class of second-class citizen? I know that part of it is money. She is the breadwinner. My salary has always and always will be out-classed by hers. Especially now. In LA I, a high school drop-out, managed to claw my way up to a 30K a year salary. I have no realistic hope of achieving that in Kansas. In fact, my current employment affords me half my former salary. A few more credits completed will put some magic letters to my name, but not increase my wage-earning power appreciably. I know that part of it is the example my mother laid for me. Take the path of least resistance. Don't make waves. Give 'til you bleed and then give some more. As wrong as I know that is, it is ingrained in me, the paradigm of the house of my childhood. Part of it is the "abandonment" thing from childhood. The neglect fostered by my parents�even after all these years and all this therapy�leaves me not wanting to be alone, craving companionship no matter the cost. I think, "Who'll take care of me?", when I know damn well that my partner should be a compliment to my existence, not the font of it. And I know my lack of outward reaction to the silent treatment has worn on her. She's grilled common friends and acquaintances to the point where they've said enough already, ask her yourself. Get over it. Move on. So the silence ended as it usually does, with me getting a royal ass-chewing. And me sitting there taking it. Not because I thought I deserved it, but because I've learned to pick my battles and watch my timing. And when the silence has freshly ended is not the time to say that separate counseling is not going to resolve our issues. My counselor gets my bias, her counselor gets her bias and nothing is resolved. We don't so much need joint counseling as we need a referee, a mediator. Someone to say that one or the other is 'right', or is 'full of shit', or�heaven forbid�'you two need to compromise on this issue'. Listening to: multiple tornado warnings Smelling: ozone Still reading: william least heat~moon prairyerth Mood: ambivalent
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