new raspberry; �HATES technological I am sick to death of erectile dysfunction, pass the tampons please |
AA Speaker 6 That wonderful little That wonderful little film company that I worked for had some great health benefits and the next day I called my health care provider and said I had a drinking problem and I wanted to do something about it. I ended up with an intake counselor who was getting ready to retire and didn�t care if he followed the rules or not. He waived the 14 day inpatient rule as I argued passionately that there was no way I could take that much time off from work. Hell, I was there under my own power and at my own request. Besides, what if I started feeling better and wanted a drink? I did start individual and group counseling right away. I went to my first AA meeting the day after my first counseling session, but didn�t connect right away. I had nothing in common with you people. I hadn�t wrecked a car, lost a job, lost a house. I�d never even gotten a DUI. What could I possible have to share with you drunks? My mom heard what I was doing and encouraged me to go to as many different meetings as possible, that I would find someplace and someone that I�d connect with. So, after all these years, she wants to start giving me some motherly advice? WTF? But you know, that�s what my counselor is saying, and it�s also what my fellow rehabbers are saying so maybe there�s some truth to it. I started dealing with the excuses I used to drink, bringing my anger and resentments out into the light and letting go of it a little bit at a time. Not all of them, mind you. If I let go of all the baggage, I won�t have anything to keep me warm at night, right? I found meetings I liked and reached a point where there was something missing from my week if I didn�t make those meetings. I thought I was working a pretty good program and was making some real progress in my life. I worked the steps to the best of my ability, but in all honesty, I was still trying to do much of this through self will. I did not have a sponsor so I did not dig as deeply as I should have into each and every one of the steps. In Los Angeles the meetings I attended were very large so it was very easy to escape making regular commitments and being of service. But that didn�t really matter to me because my life improved greatly. I could work the program half-heartedly and still reap the benefits. My attitude improved. My job improved and I got a lot of promotions because people found me much easier to work with in my new state of mind. I made new friends, normal friends that didn�t have drinking problems, probably never would have drinking problems and never knew me when I was drinking. Life was good. I was nine months into working the Juli program when I drank again. There was a huge party in Palm Springs�you know, Dinah Week�that some of my normal friends were going to and it sounded like fun. So I went. I don�t even know how the beer ended up in my hand and I don�t remember how many I drank that weekend, but I thought it was nice because I kept it under control. And I managed to keep it under control for almost three more months until I found myself very, very close to where I started. Again. Three months wasn�t long enough for me to drive away all my new found friends and a couple of them were able to convince me that if I didn�t get back to what I was doing before I started drinking again they would not hang around for the ride back to my own private hell. Besides, they liked me, didn�t want to see me hurt myself. So I came back. It was so, so hard to come in here flashing a new sobriety date, but I did it. And I got a sponsor. One who wouldn�t let me coast. One who threw the Juli program out the window and called me on my character defects. One who made me make commitments. One who made me do a real fourth and fifth step, not just window dressing and lip service. And my life improved again. I have been given so many second, third, fourth chances. I am so lucky to be in this program because it is a program of living a happy life and sharing that life with others. Being sober is not a death sentence, it�s a life sentence. I�m still a self-centered spoiled brat, but I know it and most times I can even do something about it. It�s hard to keep focused on the fact that you other folks occupy this planet with me and you have valid wants and needs too, even when they interfere with mine. I�m still a perfectionist, but I�ve taken a page from the big book and am learning to settle for progress, not perfection. That�s one of the really hard ones for me and I struggle with it every day. When I moved to Kansas almost three years ago, I was reluctant to continue with AA. I knew I was moving to a small town and that things here would probably be quite different that they were in the big city. Small town, small minds. Once again my pre-conceptions told me that I wouldn�t have much in common with you AAers so I lapsed into a half-assed program, just keeping up my contacts back in LA and reading the Big Book. And that worked for a couple of years, but I thought less and less about program each day, each week, each month. I had all kinds of excuses for letting my involvement with AA lapse. First it was busy from the move, then it was busy with the kid and school. Busy with the house, busy with the yard. Hell, I just don�t have the time for AA. Slowly all my character defects began to manifest themselves and I became very restless, irritable and discontent with my life, which is so ridiculous because I have such a good life. That�s how I know I have that alcoholic mind. I have a loving family that supports me in whatever I wish to do. I have a beautiful home. I have phenomenal animals. I want for nothing materially or emotionally. Yet I can have all this and still get restless, irritable and discontent? What the heck is wrong with me? Well that�s easy, Step One: I am an alcoholic! Hello! Finally I was given an ultimatum to either get my head out of my ass or just get out. So once again I am in counseling and I�m attending meetings. I�m easing back into working a program and taking the steps I need to keep myself satisfied with life so that I don�t feel the need to drink to escape from life. I know I am not giving 100% to this program, I don�t think I ever have given 100% to it, but right now I give what I�m capable of giving and I take what I need and I take so much more from you folks than I give in return. For that I thank you. And today that�s enough to keep me sober. Tomorrow I may need more, I may give more, but tomorrow can worry about itself, I�m here today and that is what makes a difference in my life. I have some peace in my life again and because I�m making the effort to make me better, make things better, I find that my family is doing the same thing. That�s progress and that�s all this program asks. Thank you for letting me share. Part 6 of 6 And that concludes my story as told to the members of alcoholics anonymous. Now some of you are going, �Um, excuse me; but what about the details of the last seven years? You seem to have sort of glossed over some stuff here.� To that I say: you�re right. However, I am relatively new here in this town and even though AA is supposed to be a very safe and non-judgmental place to hang, I prefer to get into my lesbianism and the personal details of the past seven years on a one-on-one basis. You see, details like that affect not just me. I have a kid to consider and a partner to consider and sometimes their needs take precedence over mine. Maybe when I�ve been around for 25 years and everyone knows, my story will evolve to include such details, until then I will be sure to share those experiences here with you, faithful reader.
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