new raspberry; �HATES technological I am sick to death of erectile dysfunction, pass the tampons please |
Narcissism is...YOU! Narcissism is� Merrill Markoe has an essay in the August 2006 issue of Real Simple that struck a deep chord with me. I've been searching the blogosphere for an online version that I can link to, but no dice. It's not on Real Simple's site and no one else has done me the favor of cribbing it so I guess I'm going to have to do this myself. Much as I'd like you to be able to enjoy the article in its entirety, for it may illuminate things in your life that have heretofore gone unexplained, I will simply reprint the parts that pushed my buttons. The theme of the article deals with the author's discovery that the people in her life that she had always had difficulty pleasing were people that ultimately she will never be able to please due to their own selfish character defect, narcissism. Cliff Notes of article: After years of her mother's gifts of clothing inappropriate to the author, author hits upon the brilliant idea of accompanying mother on the gift shopping trip so that this year's gift is not some item that will end up hanging in the closet, inducing guilt every time it's passed over in the daily what-shall-I-wear perusal of available garments. After mother's all-day display of the usual inappropriate garb, author finally convinces her to purchase the black blazer she really, really needs. At which point mother bitterly mutters, This is the last time I am doing anything like this. I get no pleasure from buying you something I don't happen to like.
Cliff Notes of article: Author notes that parents and boyfriends seemed to have the same kinds of complaints about her. She was �combative and contrarian� according to one boyfriend who would become furious if she stayed up to watch a late movie by herself instead of going to bed at the same time he did.
Cliff Notes of article: Author figures she'd better make a sincere effort to identify and repair her shortcomings so she can stop endangering her relationships with inflammatory behavior such as having her own taste in clothing and picking her own bedtime. So she goes to therapy to learn how to be a better person...
Cliff Notes of article: The upshot of author's therapy is that she is not the problem. The narcissistic people author surrounds herself with are the problem. Narcissists are people who cover up feelings of shame and worthlessness by doing whatever it takes to maintain the false sense that they are very special and therefore not bound by ordinary rules. Narcissists, because they never outgrow a phase of infantile behavioral development, essentially live in a world that is one-person big. When you are with a narcissist, their needs must become your needs. It's not enough for a narcissist to be the center of their own world, they must also be the center of yours. Your job is to serve as admiring audience.
Cliff Notes of article: Final analysis: The most practical method of coping with narcissists is to change your expectations (like AA says, have NO expectations). Maintain emotional distance. Stop trying to please unpleasable people. That's the sad part. Because the death of expectations also means the death of hope. Gone forever is the dream that, by treating the narcissist with kid gloves, you might transform them into someone more enlightened; leaving you ultimately with two sane options: either agree with everything they say or pick up and go elsewhere.
Listening to: newscaster drone Smelling: air freshener STILL Reading: william least heat~moon prairyerth Mood: pissed
|
www.flickr.com
This is a Flickr badge showing public photos from KonzaDiary. Make your own badge here.
secrets pondering: Why the right wingers who want to keep the government out of their business insist on putting the government in my bedroom laughing about: It gets lost in translation crying about: bad habits: smoking totally ballistic about: amen sister: someone else�s take on childlessness regular reads: cactustree must see tv: |