==Konza Diary==

I'm Not A Whiner
10:38 p.m. - Tuesday, Jul. 18, 2006

I'm Not A Whiner
…am I?

I don't want you to get the feeling that all I'm "whining" about here is a few dirty dishes and a messy bathroom. It's an escalating pattern of what I term disrespect on the sly. This is where the person doesn't come right out and dis you to your face, like any person with a backbone would do. No, this is where a thousand small slights take the place of one direct fuck you, bitch.

I am told in actions many times every day that my thoughts, feelings, wants, needs, and desires take a back seat to hers. If the words that pass my lips are not the words she wants to hear, the debate begins. If I'm not swayed by gentle persuasion to change my opinion/what-I-feel/whatever she shifts to bullying tactics to get me to change my opinion/how-I-feel/whatever and if I should happen to stick to my guns about my opinion/what-I-am-feeling/whatever, I get punished with the silent treatment because I would not switch to what it is she wants my opinion/feeling/whatever to be.

It's always a fight for me to get what I want and I'm just tired of fighting. This is not how a partnership is supposed to be. I'm not interested in "winning" all the time, or even 50% of the time, but I would like to win once in awhile and I don't get that here. She on the other hand must always win and if she doesn't, someone is going to pay and unfortunately it's not the people who should pay, but the ones that are close enough, weak enough for her to lash out at. Well I'm not weak anymore. I've worked hard in my counseling and hard in my program to bring myself to a place where this is not the sort of behavior I wish to exhibit, nor is it the kind of behavior I wish to be subjected to. I've let things slide by telling myself, "Juli, you did such and such when you were a drunk. This is just payback." It certainly has made it easier for me to adopt a Zen attitude toward the things that happen, but I've come to realize that the payback should come from folks I misused when I was a drunk. She is not one of those people.

No, I wouldn't throw away all our years together and all we've built together over a dirty dish and a cross word. I don't make this decision lightly and I don't make it alone. I have my sponsor, my counselor and many friends that affirm that the relationship is unhealthy and getting worse. I'm done being the only one to compromise, sacrifice, and capitulate. Wish me luck…

Listening to: outrageous weather forecast

Smelling: warm vanilla sugar hand cream

Reading: nora roberts ~ northern lights

Mood: resigned…in a good way

last five reads

kim dearth the compassion of dogs
alice randall the wind done gone
joyce maynard at home in the world
linda howard kiss me while i sleep
brad metzler the zero game

Passive-Aggressive Bullshit! || Random